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Redneck's Last Words

What are a typical redneck's three last words?

"Hey, watch this! "

Cooky Cookie Joke

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors office?

A: Because it was feeling crummy.

Photo Trap

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

New Version of Playboy

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

People in Grass Houses

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

Victoria's Five-Legged Secret

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

Her panties fit her like a glove!

Victorian Ladies

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred.

One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Senior Photo

Yo' Mama is so fat, her senior photo is an aerial shot.

It's the Big One - Take Cover!!!!!!!!!!!

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

“It's all your fault!”

One-Handed Man Crossing

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

Pregnant Tree

How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!

Let's Play Monkey In The Tree

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

'Cause he was dead!

Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Telephone Company

Yo' Mama is so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.

Hunters Must Keep Quiet

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.

An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.

"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"